Sparkle and Fade and Sparkle Again into the Night

It's almost a gift that no one,

except you,

reads what I write here.

How long has it been that I've actually felt like writing?

A few years

but

the disconnect from such a love feels like an

eternity

and a part of me still laughs as 

my hands don't remember 

line breaks or how to 

unweave a thought

through 

syllables.

It will return,

it always does but for

now I'll 

chuckle at my own trippings

and trappings of a 

young writer

whose voice is tangled up

in cobwebs

from the years is sat

alone and 

dusty in the attic of

my life.

Move On - Move Out

Fall is having a hard time leaving our little valley. I tend to understand - it can be easy to see such a beautiful place to lay down and sleep through the cold season to come. The oaks would never mind Fall's extended stay and I am sure that the pines and meadows would eventually come around to the change. Bright red leaves still hang like decorations on the maple behind my house and I can admit that the colors are eye catching to my soul

but

I am yearning for winter. I love seeing the skeleton of the world as the chill peels back all of god's manicured beauty. I think that you can find the fighters, the motivated, the alive and thriving easier in the dark of winter. There is no space for half-hearted warm-weather friends or weak relations. Celebrate celebrate celebrate the shortening days as a reminder to live life to the last drop. My nose turns red in the air and I am reminded I am alive and well as others around me bemoan the weather as a personal affront. Can't you see that in

winter

the world is telling us to be grateful for every second? Watch the snowfall and know that soon the days will be longer and wistful. For now hunker down and count the gems around you, count the shining sparkling moments that at other times you would pass over. Fall, please move on to the next valley. I need to feel the depth of my heart as the temperature

drops

and the world weaves a new skin to cover what has been exposed.

Things I am Grateful For (There is More to Life Than Depression)

Yesterday I ran up a trail somewhere in the hills above my house,
and fell.
Runner's tenacity built and I picked myself up and kept running,
palms bloody and dirtier than spit and my t-shirt could clean
no water on that adventure and the trail continued to climb higher.
As I crested the ridge line I had been traversing, home lay out before me
like an old painting
madrones and ponderosas framing
the houses and roads far below
and I felt the peace that exhaustion and
blood letting bring my animal body.

Later, post
shower and shaking limbs steady,
you cleaned out my wounds over the sink,
digging out the dirt with a kitchen knife
and scrubbing out the gravel even as I sobbed
begged you to stop
you soothed me,
kissed my neck and
held me - not even laughing at my
childish aversion to pain.

What more do I need in the world?
Even when I storm, you
carry on
and light the way for me to follow,
holding my hand when I finally
catch up
and holding no grudge that it was you that had to lead the way.

Never forget that
it was always you
Never forget that.

Some days it is me,
comforting and supporting,

but I will never forget that yesterday
I saw you love me deeper than I thought you could
and love you more for the dirt
you scrubbed painfully away
from my life.

Norishment

I find it easy enough to motivate others with words that shout encouragement with each syllable. I lather on assurance as easily as butter melts on my toast each morning and with each moment I am hoping, shyly hoping, that I nourish whatever hope or dream that has been quietly growing deep within whoever I am cheering for.

The words I reserve for myself tend to be musty and stale. Full of accusations and shame, my dreams have grown bone thin and are half crazy for a drink of water. Sometimes my soul will reach a trembling hand outward, maybe just to relish in the crisp fall air, maybe just to feel the rain, but the leash my mind has tied around it has no give and I am yet again bound in a cage of my own design.

But, it is time to stop being dramatic and just open the door to freedom that has always been unlocked. Maybe its time to lighten up and laugh at yourself.

Maybe its time to wrap myself in those words I give to others so freely. Look at them like currency of happiness and drop a few coins in my own hat and climb out of the darkness.